It very important that you and your child don’t start to avoid social situations because they find them difficult, instead prepare for them.
Your child needs opportunities to learn and practice social skills. If they don’t get the opportunity, they won’t learn how to cope with them or learn what strategies work for them the most. You might need to create social opportunities for them that fall out of their comfort zone. That means away from family and those these feel comfortable with.
This might feel difficult because it’s likely in the past this has been difficult for everyone, but remember avoidance isn’t helpful in the long run.
Difficulties socialising or difficulties making and maintaining friendships
Being able to have relationships and socialise is an essential skill to have but so often for children and young people this is difficult and no matter how hard they try it doesn’t seem to work out for them.
There are things you can do as a parent to help your child.
1. Learn And Practice
2. Keep a record
Keep a note of your child’s social behaviours.
The aim is to become more aware of the things your child struggles and give you a much clearer picture of what’s going on for them and will give you much more clarity. It might be that they struggle with certain situations or certain people e.g. it might be they struggle with certain peers, teachers etc.
Record what happened, when, where and with who. Look for patterns. The patterns might be subtle or obvious, but knowing what they are will let you know where you need to focus your efforts.
The aim is to become more aware of the things your child struggles and give you a much clearer picture of what’s going on for them and will give you much more clarity. It might be that they struggle with certain situations or certain people e.g. it might be they struggle with certain peers, teachers etc.
Record what happened, when, where and with who. Look for patterns. The patterns might be subtle or obvious, but knowing what they are will let you know where you need to focus your efforts.
3. Help calm nerves
Asking your child to do something they find difficult, no matter what that is, can be really hard and they can become anxious and worried. It’s always a good idea to teach them strategies for calming these nerves.
See our Common Concerns Anxiety page. Deep breathing and positive self talk are good examples.
See our Common Concerns Anxiety page. Deep breathing and positive self talk are good examples.
4. Practice conversations
Conversations are like playing a game of ping pong, someone asks a question, someone answers a question over and over. Like keeping the ping pong ball going backwards and forwards. Practice this with your child; asking and answering, keeping things going backward and forward:
“Hi how are your today”, “I’m fine how are you”, “I’m doing good too, what did you do at the weekend?”, “I played football at the park with my brother”, “I love football too. Did you win? “
By getting in to the habit of asking questions your child can find out information about people and this can help to identify shared interests and topics to talk more about.
“Hi how are your today”, “I’m fine how are you”, “I’m doing good too, what did you do at the weekend?”, “I played football at the park with my brother”, “I love football too. Did you win? “
By getting in to the habit of asking questions your child can find out information about people and this can help to identify shared interests and topics to talk more about.
5. Conversation rules
If we think about conversation like a game of ping pong, then it’s important to teach children they should only talk when they have the ball, that means when it’s their turn to talk, they don’t interrupt. If they interrupt it seems as if you aren’t interested in what the other person has to say.
Listening is just as important as talking. To practice you can use a ball and make the rule that you are only allowed to talk if you are holding the ball. This will help children learn to wait their turn. A timer can be set for 2 minutes to make sure no one holds the ball for too long.
Listening is just as important as talking. To practice you can use a ball and make the rule that you are only allowed to talk if you are holding the ball. This will help children learn to wait their turn. A timer can be set for 2 minutes to make sure no one holds the ball for too long.
6. Teach your child how to be assertive
You don’t get what you want through angry or demanding behaviour so it’s important we teach children how to be assertive.
Assertiveness is a key skill for social situations. Practice this by asking your child to tell you exactly what they want and why they want it? Then practice waiting and listening to what they other person has to say. If they need to they can make their point again, calmly and perhaps adding on to their reasons for Why.
Sometimes your child can’t get what they want, buts it’s important that you also explain your reasons for this. This involves them in the whole process and lets them feel as though their feelings have been considered. Sometimes if there is a difference of opinion your child needs to learn to agree to disagree.
Assertiveness is a key skill for social situations. Practice this by asking your child to tell you exactly what they want and why they want it? Then practice waiting and listening to what they other person has to say. If they need to they can make their point again, calmly and perhaps adding on to their reasons for Why.
Sometimes your child can’t get what they want, buts it’s important that you also explain your reasons for this. This involves them in the whole process and lets them feel as though their feelings have been considered. Sometimes if there is a difference of opinion your child needs to learn to agree to disagree.
7. Watch TV
Watch TV together.
Soap operas are a good thing to watch as there are lots and lots of social interactions in them. Discuss the social interactions with your child, positive and negative. Pause the programme and talk to your child about it. Talk to them about what’s happening, what’s going well, what’s going badly? What do they think the person could do differently? How could it be handled better? What techniques could the person use?
You might need to remind them about assertiveness techniques (see above), talking and listening etc. You might talk about the calming techniques. You might point out situations on TV where people have used good techniques too.
Soap operas are a good thing to watch as there are lots and lots of social interactions in them. Discuss the social interactions with your child, positive and negative. Pause the programme and talk to your child about it. Talk to them about what’s happening, what’s going well, what’s going badly? What do they think the person could do differently? How could it be handled better? What techniques could the person use?
You might need to remind them about assertiveness techniques (see above), talking and listening etc. You might talk about the calming techniques. You might point out situations on TV where people have used good techniques too.
8. Role play
If your child is worried about a situation that coming up, role play it with them to give them practice.
For example, in school with a teacher, they could practice with you what they will say or how they might manage the situation so that they feel more prepared. Switch roles, as this will give your child the opportunity to be in the teachers shoes and see things from a different perspective.
Rehearse different options and outcomes to prepare them for how things might go.
For example, in school with a teacher, they could practice with you what they will say or how they might manage the situation so that they feel more prepared. Switch roles, as this will give your child the opportunity to be in the teachers shoes and see things from a different perspective.
Rehearse different options and outcomes to prepare them for how things might go.
9. Reward positive behaviour and achievement
Remember to notice when a child does well and reward them by offering praise. When a child is working on something difficult, they need praise and encouragement for even little achievements as this will encourage them to keep going.
If your child is motivated by a star chart that’s fine, but keep expectations manageable and only add, never take away stars they have already earned as a consequence. Reward effort too, not just achievement.
These skills take practice and lots of effort.
If your child is motivated by a star chart that’s fine, but keep expectations manageable and only add, never take away stars they have already earned as a consequence. Reward effort too, not just achievement.
These skills take practice and lots of effort.
What can I do next?
Have you looked at the relevant information and advice on our webpage?
Have you tried the self-help options above consistently without any significant change or improvement?
Have you accessed support from the suggested Apps, websites and organisations listed on our resources page?
Have you discussed your concerns and had support from school, school nurse, GP, parenting support group?
If you have, it might be time to speak to someone about a possible referral to CAMHS.
