Make sure you have realistic expectations of your child. All parents want their child to do well, but all children are different and sometimes we might have expectations that are too high and beyond what they can achieve.
Set targets they can achieve because then they experience success and a sense of achievement. Be flexible with these expectations, taking into account how tired/overwhelmed/anxious your child (or you) are and adjust your expectations accordingly.
Anxiety
All children and young people get anxious at times, and this is a normal part of their development as they grow up and develop their ‘survival skills’, so they can face challenges in the wider world.
We all have different levels of stress we can cope with - some people are just naturally more anxious than others, and are quicker to get stressed or worried.
There are many ways you can help your child to manage their anxiety.
Realistic Expectations
Avoidance
It’s unlikely that your child will tell you they feel anxious or worried. But anxiety isn’t a nice feeling so your child might try to avoid the things that make them feel that way. They might also mask underlying problems and anxieties with bravado or procrastination. They might complain a lot “I’m too tired” or “I have a sore tummy”.
Face up to anxiety
The way we cope with anxiety is to avoid the things we feel anxious about which is fine if it’s not something your child needs to do, but if it’s something they do, like school then it can become a big problem.
You can support your child to face these situations by asking them what would make it easier for them to do and what would make it harder? For example is it better if they have a friend or take a comforter with them, a toy or something that makes them feel calmer? Find out when its worse, is it at certain times of day, if they are alone, in the dark etc?
You can support your child to face these situations by asking them what would make it easier for them to do and what would make it harder? For example is it better if they have a friend or take a comforter with them, a toy or something that makes them feel calmer? Find out when its worse, is it at certain times of day, if they are alone, in the dark etc?
Make a ladder
Make a Ladder, or use an image that works for your child. The bottom step of a ladder is where they feel now and we want them to work towards the top. For each step add things they have identified (you may have to help them) that would make it easier to get there. For example, if your child finds it hard to get into school. Step one might be that you take them in the car, the second might be you meet their friend at school and they walk in together, the next might be dropping them at the school and leaving them to walk in alone and meet a friend in the playground, and the final step to be able to do it all alone.
Each step on the ladder needs to be a little bit harder, but keeps helping your child to get to where they need to be. Each step is at their own pace and with your support. If you move too quickly or a step is too large the anxiety and avoidance might return. You might also need to teach them some techniques to manage the anxiety as they move up the steps. Remember the aim is to increase their own confidence that they can achieve each of these small steps. If we allow them to keep avoiding they won’t ever develop the skills they need to cope with anxiety in the future.
Each step on the ladder needs to be a little bit harder, but keeps helping your child to get to where they need to be. Each step is at their own pace and with your support. If you move too quickly or a step is too large the anxiety and avoidance might return. You might also need to teach them some techniques to manage the anxiety as they move up the steps. Remember the aim is to increase their own confidence that they can achieve each of these small steps. If we allow them to keep avoiding they won’t ever develop the skills they need to cope with anxiety in the future.
Praise
Make sure to give your child lots of praise and reward for the effort as well as achievements as what they are doing is difficult , sometimes it’s really hard to face your anxieties.
Strategies
Deep Breathing – 3 x 3. Breathe in for three, hold for three, breathe out for three, do this three times.
Positive self talk – Drive out enemy thoughts “I can’t do this” etc and exchange them friendly thoughts “stay calm, I can do this, I’m going to take a deep breath and do it”.
Positive self talk – Drive out enemy thoughts “I can’t do this” etc and exchange them friendly thoughts “stay calm, I can do this, I’m going to take a deep breath and do it”.
Problem solving
Sometimes children become anxious because there’s a problem they can’t solve, which might seem small to you but its big to them and might really be getting in the way. Help them identify the problem and come up with different ways they might tackle it, then help them to try out some of their ideas and check back to see if it worked. Have a look out our Problem Solving common concern.
Role model
Children learn from us, they watch us and copy us. If you are anxious they are likely to be too. It’s important not to let children catch our anxiety, so it’s important to use all of the strategies ourselves and look after ourselves. Talk out loud and show them you are using the strategies etc.
Worry time
Children sometimes have a tendency to save up their worries until bedtime and the want to spend a lot of time talking about these worries when they should be going to sleep. If this happens it might be helpful to have an agreed set time earlier in the day to talk about worries and be able to engage in practical problem solving. During this time try to validate your child’s worry and help constructively manage it. Put a time limit on it, depending on the child’s age. 10-15 minutes might be enough for a younger child and 20-25 minutes for a teenager.
Often if you talk for longer then you go round in circles and don’t actually get any further in solving the problem. During worry time put away phones and devices so that you can be completely focused on the child to talk about what is worrying them. If they try to discuss the worry later in the evening them remind them that you talked already and the brief agreed outcome. If it is a new worry then (unless it is genuinely urgent) write it down together and say that you will talk about it during worry time the next day. You might want to use a particular note book or box to put these worries in so the child can see that they are being taken seriously and will be addressed the next day.
Often if you talk for longer then you go round in circles and don’t actually get any further in solving the problem. During worry time put away phones and devices so that you can be completely focused on the child to talk about what is worrying them. If they try to discuss the worry later in the evening them remind them that you talked already and the brief agreed outcome. If it is a new worry then (unless it is genuinely urgent) write it down together and say that you will talk about it during worry time the next day. You might want to use a particular note book or box to put these worries in so the child can see that they are being taken seriously and will be addressed the next day.
What can I do next?
Have you looked at the relevant information and advice on our webpage?
Have you tried the self-help options above consistently without any significant change or improvement?
Have you accessed support from the suggested Apps, websites and organisations listed on our resources page?
Have you discussed your concerns and had support from school, school nurse, GP, parenting support group?
If you have, it might be time to speak to someone about a possible referral to CAMHS.
