Children push boundaries.
This is how children learn what the boundaries are and what’s acceptable and not acceptable in terms of behaviour. This is normal. You need to decide and agree with those who care for the child what the boundaries are and stand together on them.
If you don’t, children can become experts and finding a way around them. Join forces and agree and be consistent.
Behaviour that Challenges
We can all feel frustrated and angry at times and this is no different for children and young people, but this can become a problem if you have difficulty controlling those feelings.
When a child can’t control these feelings they might lose their temper, say hurtful things, they may even hit, throw or break things. Children are less able to control these feelings than adults, they are still learning.
Behaviour always lets us know that something is getting in the way for your child, it’s a communication. If they could behave better they would but right now they can’t. It’s up to adults now to figure out what’s happening so we can help.
When a child can’t control these feelings they might lose their temper, say hurtful things, they may even hit, throw or break things. Children are less able to control these feelings than adults, they are still learning.
Behaviour always lets us know that something is getting in the way for your child, it’s a communication. If they could behave better they would but right now they can’t. It’s up to adults now to figure out what’s happening so we can help.
There are things parents can do to help children learn the skills to manage difficult emotions.
Boundaries
Identify the triggers
You probably already have an idea of when and where your child’s behaviour is likely to become difficult and that means you are in a great position to plan for it happening. Maybe a friendship that’s difficult or a situation they struggle to manage, maybe it’s a social situation they don’t know what to do in, or if there are a lot of expectations and demands on them they don’t know how to meet.
They might be tired, bored or have had to sit still for too long. Make a list of the last few times your child behaved in a challenging way, then think about where it happened, with who and why. Look for themes. This will help you identify triggers. It will help you to think ahead for possible difficulties and put things in place to help your child.
They might be tired, bored or have had to sit still for too long. Make a list of the last few times your child behaved in a challenging way, then think about where it happened, with who and why. Look for themes. This will help you identify triggers. It will help you to think ahead for possible difficulties and put things in place to help your child.
Early warning signals
It might feel like things always kick off all of a sudden but usually there will have been warning signals, no matter how small.
It’s important to notice when your child is approaching ‘the red zone’ and in fact it’s better to recognise when they are in the ‘orange zone’ as this lets you know they are starting to struggle. Maybe something they do, maybe a look on their face, maybe they get fidgety, maybe they look tired?
Notice and talk to your child about it, help them to recognise it in themselves. You can use the visual of a bottle of fizzy pop. “Feeling the fizz”. If you shake the bottle too hard the juice explodes out of the bottle. Help the child to recognise the feeling of ‘fizz in themselves. Ask them where they are on the ‘fizz scale’. This allows you the help them and avoids things getting worse.
It’s important to notice when your child is approaching ‘the red zone’ and in fact it’s better to recognise when they are in the ‘orange zone’ as this lets you know they are starting to struggle. Maybe something they do, maybe a look on their face, maybe they get fidgety, maybe they look tired?
Notice and talk to your child about it, help them to recognise it in themselves. You can use the visual of a bottle of fizzy pop. “Feeling the fizz”. If you shake the bottle too hard the juice explodes out of the bottle. Help the child to recognise the feeling of ‘fizz in themselves. Ask them where they are on the ‘fizz scale’. This allows you the help them and avoids things getting worse.
Avoid things getting worse
Anger is an emotion that gets bigger and bigger and bigger until it explodes, just like the bottle of pop or a volcano. But it’s a process and so identifying early warning signs helps you to pick up ‘the fizz’ or pick up that your child is struggling:
- Speak to your child in a calm and steady voice (low and slow not loud and high). Believe it or not this will help you as much as them. When a child is highly emotional the part of their brain which is able to listen and understand language has been overrun with emotion and it is unlikely that they will be able to understand what you are saying so keep communication very simple and when possible wait until they have settled before you speak to them. Help them to do this with methods other than speaking e.g. hold them, provide them with a relaxing toy, take them outside to jump/run etc
- Stay calm. Faced with a child who is overwhelmed, it’s easy to feel out of control and find yourself overwhelmed. But when you become overwhelmed, you have less chance of reaching them and helping them to calm down. As hard as it may be, if you can stay calm and in control of your own emotions, you can be a model for your child and teach them to do the same thing.
- Make sure you listen to your child. Let them know you want to understand what happening and hear their story. Then help them to listen to you and hear yours. Don’t get caught up in shouting over each other. Hold something (a toy a stone a pinecone, a bottle, doesn’t matter) and who ever holds it gets to talk. Validate their experience and help to label the emotion you thought that they felt e.g. “It looked like you were very frustrated.”
- Praise appropriate behaviour. When they have calmed down, praise them for regulating and settling down. Don’t be tempted to immediately talk about the behaviour, this might increase your child’ stress and cause them to become overwhelmed again. Just because you choose not to argue with your child or put consequences in place right now, doesn’t mean you’re giving in. You can return to that later when they are much calmer.
- Change the focus. As adults when we are upset we do something different, children don’t know to do this and so it can help them if we suggest they do; usually something physical works well.
Withdrawal
Sometimes the best thing to do is remove yourself and your child from the situation and move to a calmer space. Don’t use this all the time though, as this can be avoidance and what you want to teach your child is how to deal with the situation rather than avoid it and to figure out what works for them when these things happen.
Visualisation
Can help some children but moving them to a calmer space or helping them visualise a safe place or something that’s calming for them.
You can also use deep breathing, three three’s (breathe in for a count of three, hold for a count of three, breathe out for a count of three).
You can also use deep breathing, three three’s (breathe in for a count of three, hold for a count of three, breathe out for a count of three).
Encourage friendly thoughts
Help your child to replace negative thoughts about themselves with friendly thoughts. Younger children use visuals really well, so you can pretend that negative thoughts are like wasps or something stingy and friendly thoughts are like fly swats that swat them and get rid of them. Friendly thoughts help children keep in control of emotions “stay calm” or “walk away”.
Do they have a problem they can't solve?
Whether it seems like a little problem to you, if a child can’t solve it, it can result in real distress for them. Try to assist your child in working out problems together.
Be a good role model
Don’t beat yourself up as a parent. Look after yourself and model the strategies for your child.
What can I do next?
Have you looked at the relevant information and advice on our webpage?
Have you tried the self-help options above consistently without any significant change or improvement?
Have you accessed support from the suggested apps, websites and organisations listed on our resources page?
Have you discussed your concerns and had support from school, school nurse, GP, parenting support group?
If you have, it might be time to speak to someone about a possible referral to CAMHS.
Local support
School Nursing Service - Referral can be made by school or GP under the category of Mental Health and Wellbeing.
School Community Support Service - Tel: 01382 307130
Action for Children: Dundee Parenting Initiative (Under 5’s) - Tel: 01382 450052
One Parent Families Scotland: Dundee Family Support Services - Tel: 01382 501972
Parent to Parent - Tel: 01382 817558
School Community Support Service - Tel: 01382 307130
Action for Children: Dundee Parenting Initiative (Under 5’s) - Tel: 01382 450052
One Parent Families Scotland: Dundee Family Support Services - Tel: 01382 501972
Parent to Parent - Tel: 01382 817558
